Decisions.

I know I always say that I'll never let my heart make decisions ever again
'cause things always never turn out the way I want them to.
But I guess I gave into my heart again.
Do I regret it, yes I already do.
But well, life.

My throat's been a total pain in the arse
and I really hope it learn to be a bit nicer.
'Cause I can't deal w it right now.

G'night anyway.

xoxo,

Simaling

"Well, whatever makes you happy"

What if I say that you're the one that makes me happy.
But I guess it doesn't matter anymore. 
G'night you x 

xoxo,

Simaling

Would you.

5 years on but yes, I still miss you.
& I think about you so much more than I'll ever let myself admit.

I loved you more than life and I know you know that.
We were beautiful but we both know we were from the wrong walks of life.

Still remember how exactly we even started talking you sneaky one.

Hearing you cry, till today, is still one of the few things
that absolutely broke my heart.
We both knew why and it's nice to know that I managed to distract you from it for a tiny bit, that I made you smile.

You getting jealous and protective,
rushing down just so I don't go to someone else's house to chill while
waiting for your late ass (which is always worth the wait),

All the bets we made,
the ones I always pretended to lose count of so I can pretend that
I lost way more than I did,
just so I'd have more excuses to kiss you, wherever and whenever.

The way you said a movie reminded you of me,
the playground you brought me to where we spent most of our time at,
the way you'd lie just so I wouldn't worry but back up w an "I love you",
thank you for all of those wonderful memories.
They're priceless, and I wouldn't change a thing or do anything differently.


Thank you also for always helping me to see the brighter side of life,
viewing life from a whole new different perspective,
and thank you esp for bringing Mom & I closer together.
I cannot thank you enough for that.

We tried staying friends but I guess being friends just doesn't work for us,
but should we ever cross paths again, even as platonic friends,
I'll welcome you back into my life with wide arms :)

Hope you're doing good wherever you are.
Miss you <3

xoxo,

Simaling

For calling out loud.

Can't believe it's been more than 2 months since I last updated.
The past 2 months have been a journey.
Threats, accusations, last minute flights & moving house twice,
(not forgetting too many fights, tears and money involved)
I'm starting to question if anything will ever feel right.
Like calm down. All this needs to settle down.
Whatever it is tho, I'm just gna leave it be.
Not the best option but I need that breather.
But then again everything seems like it's going fine.
So what is up.

I've got a thought stuck in my head, it's been there for awhile now.
But I can't put it in words as of yet so I'll save that for when the right
way comes to mind.

I should go catch up on sleep debt now.
G'night.

xoxo,

Simaling

Jealous of the rain.

Why is love so hard.
I'm tired.
Tired of everything.
I just wna be where Gwen is.
I wna be with Gwen.
I miss you Gwen.
So very much.
It's been 13 years.
& it's safe to say I'm jealous.
I know you'd smack me for saying this,
'cause you'd take my position any day,
but I really am jealous.
I don't care where we are or where we'll be.
Right now all I know is that I really want to be with you,
be beside you.
Is it too selfish for me to ask for another hug.
I'm sorry for all the times I made you cry.
But you always break the hearts of the ones you love.
I love you Gwen.
So very much.
Always have and always will.
You're my first and will forever be.
Please know that and never forget that.

xoxo,

Simaling

This week's been all over the place.

This week felt like a big blur.

Too many things happening all at once.

It's the most tiring week I've had since forever.

I don't even know if I'm more physically drained or emotionally drained.

Knocked out solid last night.

I usually can't and won't sleep till I've washed my hair, but last night was a complete different story.

I just knocked out without even washing up. Hahahaha.

Let's just start with the fact that, I'm officially moving into my new home in exactly 3 weeks time. 

The first thought of moving, the looking of houses, the decision & the confirmation of house, were all done in 3 days.

Much wow.

I'm going to miss my current apartment, quite a bit.

Afterall I've known this place for 11 years & this has been home. 

But then again I'm excited 'cause new room means I get to redesign my room. 

Plus, it is half the distance away from school/town! :)

There's so much to throw out and so much to pack!

I should go start now.

Less than 6 weeks to 10 days of summer anyway!

Can't wait to spend time my babyboy, my family & my friends :)

Can't wait to eat a shite load of food and to party of arse off too. Heehee.

xoxo,

Simaling

Swimming thru sick lullabies.

Once again I find myself being afraid of losing something that isn't even mine.
& it's not that it's never been hard but it's never been this hard.

I guess that's what you get when you finally decide to stay in touch with your emotions rather than constantly blocking out.
I used to be a master at blocking. Now I pretty much can't even when I want to.
Good? Maybe. Bad? Def not. So where does that align.

It's Tuesday morning,
I overslept.
'Cause 12½h Monday wore me out so bad.
Typed out a whole chunk but deleted them.
So many things to say but can't seem to find the right words now.
So I guess I'll leave it till next time.

I miss you A, so very much.

xoxo,

Simaling

I hope you don't just choose her on Saturdays but on Friday nights too.
If you can't choose her on both days or for a matter of fact, all day everyday, then don't choose her at all 'cause she obviously deserves someone better than you.
But apart from all that being said, from the depths of my soul & even from the ugliest part of me, I hope that neither of you will have to ever experience this.

xoxo,

Simaling

If I May

I should really be asleep now but I felt like blogging before I slept so I shall :)

It's been exactly a month since I made a promise to myself.
To embark on this emotionally tough & draining journey.
& I must say, I have no regrets.

This month has been nothing but productive & it's helped me a lot in terms of learning and realizing the many things I've never realized about myself & the things around me.

And 4 days ago, I found what I was looking for and the main reason why I decided to go thru this :)
But the journey won't stop just there 'cause it's made me realize so much more and I just wna keep learning and experiencing all that this and life has to offer.

I admit, being back home here where I find the most comfort, has definitely helped a heck load.
Just for the record, living alone is probably the most therapeutic thing ever.
Most people would see if as being lonely after awhile, but all living alone has done to me is help me realize how much I love being on my own.
May not exactly be a good thing 'cause no man's an island but I am definitely enjoying every moment of it.
Not to mention, it really helps me keep my emotions in check ;)
Which is ultimately what I really need.
(Trust me tho, as much as I love living here alone, I miss my family, so much more than I'd ever expect myself to. Sometimes I think I miss them just as much as I miss my babyboy, which if anyone needs to know, is my world.)

Y'know how they say how time will heal and how time will reveal?
That my friend, is nothing but the truth.
Things you never thought you could let go of, once you find within yourself to not be afraid to lose it, you will slowly learn to let go.
I will not lie and say it doesn't hurt or that sometimes it doesn't feel like someone dug their hands into your ribs and ripped a piece of your heart out, but what I will say is that the ability to feel pain is what makes you humane and not just another human being.
Same as the debate between empathy & sympathy.
But trust me, that sense of freedom and that weight off your shoulders as a reward, that only comes with time & it might just be one of the most pleasant ways to reward yourself.
You might surprise yourself like the way I surprised myself.

I should stop rambling and actually head to sleep now.
Can't wait for class tomorrow!
G'night & hope everyone had an amazing Wednesday <3

xoxo,

Simaling.

About Time

"I just try to live everyday as if I've deliberately come back to this one day to enjoy it as if it was the full final day of my extraordinary ordinary life."

Grateful.

The past few days haven't been the easiest in terms of
deciding what I'll be doing or where I'll be for the next year 

and I wished Jie wouldn't keep going on about how lucky I am 

that Mom & Dad let me do everything I want 

and are ever so willing to support me in every way possible 

or that I'm just about the luckiest kid ever lived. 

It's not like I didn't already know how lucky I was, or so, I thought. 

I admit that tho that's something I've always known, 

sometimes forgotten & taken for granted, 

I guess I never understood the extent of it. 

Just as I was getting ready for school, 

I was thinking about how much more carefree & simpler life is here 

but yet a small part of me wanted to go back to 

chasing all the materialistic things and temporary highs 

like I did in Singapore. 

& As usual the very lazy me flopped right back into bed after lunch 

thinking 'bout how I much didn't wna go to school 

'cause I didn't wna take the public transport 

but just wanted be driven or be cabbing to school. 

(But thank god for friends 'cause even tho they're 5414km away, 

they still push you to go to school)

So the usuals, checked the bus time, slowly got ready & left.

1 hour and 15 mins late. What's new?

For some reason, I didn't feel like plugging in the minute I left,

which is really weird 'cause for anyone who knows me,

my earpieces are one of the biggest reasons for my existence. 

Like literally, if you wna torture me,

just take away my earpiece. 

BUT PLEASE DON'T EVER DO THAT.

So got on my bus and as my snobby conscious side was

judging people 'cause I thought they would be judging me,

I happened to overhear to a conversation that hit me.

It hit me quite hard.

Not having any money for the bus ride to school vs:

-being too lazy to go to school 'cause the bus ride's "too long"

Finally made me realize how much my parents have actually spoilt me.

Whenever I'm lazy, they drive me or I cab.

& why am I lazy? 'Cause I dread the journey & the crowd.

Or if I'm just beyond lazy, I skip school and they don't say anything.

-spending money like water on things I'll never use

How kids don't even have money for a bus fare, 

is something I don't think I'll ever understand.

What I do know is that I'll never want to experience that

& it's something I wouldn't wish upon even my biggest enemy.

The little discoveries we make along the way,

I may not understand fully yet and 

I may never but I guess this is what life's about, 

a journey, a life long lesson,

teaching us to learn to appreciate everything in life whether big or small. 

Just for the record, I had amazing Wednesday.

I hope everyone did too. 

G'night for now.

xoxo,

Simaling

Miss you.

Wish you were here all day every day.

Call me overly attached or a person with separation anxiety,

I'd gladly accept 'cause nothing will ever come close to a love like this.

I hope everyone's lucky enough to experience such love.

& when you do, trust me, you'll understand.  

xoxo,

Simaling.

Open Letters That Matter

"How long is forever?" she asked.
"Sometimes just a second." he said.

"Life is like a camera.
Just focus on what's important,
Capture the good times,
develop from the negatives,
& if things don't work out,
just take another shot."

As disappointing and as tough as it may be,
At least we're lucky ones who were given the chance to take another shot :)

xoxo, 

Simaling

"I'm in repair, I'm not together but I'm getting there."

Recently in June, I realized something.

Something I should've and would've liked to have realized a lot sooner.

But I know everything has it's time and place, 

so I'm just grateful it's happened :)

For the longest part, since Aug 2010, 

I've been living life in a blur, 

sweeping the dust under the rug 

& living for all the temporary highs

living life day to day. 

For most part of it, I must admit, I was successful. 

For the least, it snowballed to whatever I am today.

I won't say I'm unhappy,

but I can't tell you I'm happy either.

I mean I have no reason to be unhappy 'cause

I've got the love of my life,

I'm living my dream,

I have a wonderful family who supports me,

& the bestest of friends anyone could ever ask for.

I know I'm blessed, I know I'm lucky.

I pretty much get everything I want,

but yet, I feel bereft, 

most of the time I'm displeased,

& pretty much all of the time, morose.

I've decided that I don't want to live life the way I have for the past almost 5 years,

but to live a life, hopefully a fulfilling one, where I learn to enjoy the journey.

So this from here on, shall be my journey, to remind myself why I even started.

& as of today the 5th of July,

I'll make a promise to myself.

The promise to sort life out,

to learn to deal with the unanswered questions,

to accept the differences, to accept the fact that not everyone thinks like me,

to embrace whatever life throws at me w open arms and an open heart

& to never stop this train no matter how tough life gets.. 

xoxo,

Simaling